Everything started off well. But all good things must come to an end and our friendship was one of those things.
A site I read said there is 6 signs to know you are in a toxic friendship. I read them all the time trying to convince myself otherwise. But here I am. Sitting in the pajamas we bought as a “couple” regretting everything I have ever said or contributed to make us fall out.
The first sign was you no longer share good news with each other. As we fell farther apart I no longer wanted to tell you all the good because it would turn into who is doing better and who can make who more jealous.
The second sign is they bring out the worst in you. When we became friends it was always us cheering each other on. But as time went on every conversation was jealousy and pain. There was no happiness unless we where in person hanging out and even then we where “childish and obnoxious” . We went from cheerleaders for each other to rival teams but never admitting it.
The third sign was “walking on egg shells” constantly. Once you started dating someone and having more mental health issues every time we talked I was afraid. I was afraid to tell you if you had upset me. I was afraid to ask to talk about something other than your boyfriend. I was scared to open up about how I felt about everything because you would get so angry or mad that I was jealous. Everything was scary to bring up and I would bottle it all up instead of opening up about everything.
The fourth sign was feeling judged or shut down. After Nick passed I was afraid to open up about weird things we use to joke about. I was afraid to talk about Nick because it was “repetitive and nothing could be done”. When I started falling for my current girlfriend you judged her every move. You got offended when she was to busy working to come out with us and when I would try to explain that you would shut me down and say you didn’t like her.
The fifth sign is pressuring you to be as down as they are. When we started to grow apart you would put me down and make me feel as shitty and down as you could. When we finally went our ways you told me it was all my fault and that I made everyone miserable. When really we both played a part in the misery.
The last sign is there is no longer any trust. As we fell apart I didn’t feel like I could trust that you wouldn’t leave or that you did love me. I did not feel like I did when we became friends. There was no trust that we where both ok and happy with how we where.
Being your friend taught me so many things.
The good being that running around in target in a onsie may not be the most grown up thing but it made us happy. That even when I wanted to die you still gave me a reason to live. That zip lining in the rain is not the best idea but hell is it fun. That getting help for being mentally unwell is needed sometimes. That it is ok to ask for help.
The bad being that not everyone stays. Not everyone means well. Not every promise is kept. That not friends are really friends. That even if people say they aren’t like everyone else, they most likely are indeed like everyone else. To never trust one person with your happiness because they will stomp on it into 100 pieces with no remorse. To never make promises you can’t keep because it hurts to much. That maybe relapsing wasn’t the best option and maybe being your friend wasn’t a great idea either.
You taught me to close my wounds myself, to not open up fully, to not trust someone evil with your heart.
You taught me to build walls higher, make security for those walls more on guard. You showed me that not all nice looking people are nice. Not all smiles and hugs are safe.
You taught me to keep to myself. To withdrawl.
And to that I say thank/fuck you.